Police Humor! Read online

  Police Humor!

  Oliver Gaspirtz

  Westhoff Publishing

  Copyright © 2014 by Oliver Gaspirtz.

  All rights reserved.

  www.gaspirtz.com

  2nd Edition, July 2014

  Published by Westhoff Publishing.

  www.westhoff.us

  ISBN-13: 978-0692256305

  ISBN-10: 069225630X

  The 1st edition was originally published under the title

  A Treasury of Police Humor

  by Lincoln-Herndon Press in 1997.

  Duesseldorf, Germany – The 43-year-old inmate Josef Schmid escaped from prison by mailing himself in a cardboard box. He had been in charge of mailing clothes made in the prison to a warehouse.

  In 1996, American Police Beat reported that Adidas introduced its "Hemp Sports Shoe," a sneaker made from a type of marijuana that produces long straight fibers and contains almost no THC, the psychoactive element in cannabis.

  Toronto, Ontario – As a man suspected in a sexual assault climbed over a fence, the pursuing police officer grabbed his leg. The suspect turned around and stabbed Constable Juin Pinto. The knife cut clear through his shirt and bulletproof vest. A medal depicting St. Christopher stopped the blade and saved Pinto's life.

  London, England – A man named Nigel paid $128,000 at an auction for personalized license plates for the plate "N1 GEL." A man named Dave Parker felt like matching his name and license plate as well, but couldn't afford to buy a personalized plate. He decided to spend $40 on legally changing his last name to "C538 FUG," which was his current license plate.

  Fresno, California – California Highway Patrol officer Arebalos arrested Greg Sylvester and confiscated his motorcycle so many times that the repeat offender decided to have personalized plates made with the officer's ID. Sylvester said: "Since officer Arebalos keeps taking it, I figured he thinks he owns it. So I had personalized plates with CHP 8883 made up."

  England – In his quest for world peace and eternal salvation, Hindu holy man Lotan Baba claimed to have rolled on his side more than 4000 kilometers through Indian deserts and in the middle of monsoons. On a visit to England in 1994, Baba demonstrated his holy craft by rolling on his side for 3 miles through the middle of town. Reuters News Service quoted a local shop owner as saying: "I just looked outside and there was this idiot rolling along the ground."

  TOP TEN SIGNS THE POLICE CHIEF DOESN'T LIKE YOU

  1. He refers to you as "our mascot."

  2. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.

  3. Your locker is also the broom closet.

  4. The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."

  5. He sends you on drug raids. Alone.

  6. He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.

  7. He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to go look for them.

  8. You always get the patrol car with a flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.

  9. He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.

  10. He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.

  Austin, California – A 26-year0old woman felt the truck in front of her car was driving too slow and decided to do something about it. She pulled up next to the truck and while both vehicles were moving down the road, she tried hitting it with a baseball bat.

  Cameroon – Lynch mobs from several towns hanged three men who had been accused of witchcraft. The men supposedly had the ability to make other men's genitalia shrink or even disappear. Similar penis panics have been reported in China, where it is called "shook yang" and in Malaysia, where natives call the superstition "koro."

  Fishkill, New York – In a misguided attempt to make a difference, the animal rights group PETA requested that the name of the town Fishkill be changed to Fishsave. The major refused.

  New Orleans, Lousiana – WomenPolice reported that many concerned citizens had called the local police department to find out whether alarming stories circulating on the Internet were true. According to these stories, kidneys were being stolen from business travellers.

  Frankfurt, Germany – In September 1996, a man with no legs attempted to rob a bank, but failed when a customer tipped over his wheelchair.

  Butler, Kentucky – An intoxicated Ron Embry was caught driving a motorized wheelchair and received a DUI. Five years later, when he rode an old lawnmower to his father-in-law's home, he was charged with driving a vehicle without registration and with driving with a suspended license.

  Fort Smith, Arkansas – A drug dealer accidentally dialed a wrong number and left repeated messages, saying he "had the drugs and the money" on the voicemail of a police officer.

  Sacramento, California – An elderly gentleman walked into a police station and reported that he thought he had robbed a Wells Fargo Bank a few days earlier. The police officers didn't take his confession too seriously, because he was very old, suffered from obvious physical ailments, carried a white hospital bag, and admitted that he wanted to go back into Kaiser Hospital's psychiatric ward. He also couldn't remember the exact day, time, location of the bank, or the nearest cross street. However, after an intensive interrogation, FBI agents found out that the senior citizen had indeed robbed the bank and was responsible for three other bank robberies.

  Ogden, Utah – A man wearing a clown costume, make-up, a purple wig and bedroom slippers, assaulted a mechanic living in a trailer. A local paper reported that the clown knocked on the mechanic's door and demanded to see "Kathy." When the mechanic explained that he didn't know any Kathy, the clown accused him of having an affair with her, grabbed a lamp, hit him over the head and ran away.

  Mesa, Arizona – Lynn Cox, who stabbed her 14-year-old son more than 150 times, pleaded not guilty by drug-induced insanity.

  Culican, Mexico – Jesus Malverde, a petty thief who was hanged in 1909, is the patron saint of drug smugglers. Every year many of them visit his shrine in Culican, where they pray for things like rich marijuana harvests. Many smugglers have been caught wearing Malverde's likeness on necklaces.

  West Sussex, England – Police caught a burglar whose prosthetic leg fell off as he climbed over a fence. Robert Cox, who had lost his leg to gangrene after accidentally shooting himself on a rabbit hunt, was sentenced to 21 months in prison.

  Manila, Phillipines – Mayor Alfredo Lim, a former chief of police, encouraged gay officers to wear make-up if they wanted. He said that he couldn't see anything wrong with gay cops wearing a little blush and lipstick. "There is no law barring any officers from looking beautiful," he explained.

  France – Commandos de Recherche et d'Action en Profondeur (Long Range Search and Action Commandos), an elite unit of France's 11th parachute division, asked for a new name because their English-speaking allies kept making fun of their initials, C.R.A.P.

  Mexico – The phone company shut down the police emergency phone service for 10 days, because officers at 20 different police stations had made calls to phone sex services, totaling $10,000, and no one had paid the bill. A spokesman for the Mexico City Police Department called the incident an embarrassment and said all guilty parties would be held accountable.

  Stockholm, Sweden – Customs officers arrested a woman who tried to smuggle 75 live snakes in her bra. The officers became suspicious when they noticed how the woman kept scratching her chest.

  Parkhurst, England – The Daily Telegraph reported that a corrections officer caught an inmate painting his face with a yellow highlighter in the middle of the night. The inmate had painted his entire body, including his genitals, in order to pretend he was suffering from jaundice. He had planned to escape on the way to the hospital.

/>   Ypsilanti, Michigan – The Ann Arbor News reported that a man failed to rob a Burger King, because the clerk told him he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. So the man ordered onion rings, but the clerk informed him that they weren't available for breakfast. The frustrated robber left.

  Water Orton, England – Four men attempted a carjacking but were severely beaten by the driver. The driver of the car happened to be Paddy Doyle, the holder of 81 national and international endurance records, one of which was the world record for one-armed push-ups. Doyle completed 8974 of them in five hours.

  St. John's, Newfoundland – Officers responding to the alarm of an ATM machine found no trace of the robber. They noticed that the front panel of the machine was missing and decided to dust for fingerprints. The robber was discovered hiding inside the machine when the dust made him sneeze.

  North Carolina – Less than 24 hours before his scheduled execution, corrections officers found two suicide notes in Phillip Wilkinson's cell, who then was taken off death row and sent for mental evaluation. Wilkinson was sentenced to die for beating three people to death with a bowling pin in 1991, but since a suicide note expresses a death wish, he could be considered mentally ill, which would prevent him from being executed.

  Pennsylvania – Laurence Baker, a 47-year-old inmate sentenced to life in prison, accidentally electrocuted himself while sitting on the steel toilet in his cell, wearing self-made headphones which plugged directly into the television set.

  Kingsport, Tennessee – Travis Nelms, a 22-year-old inmate who had been incarcerated for the ninth time since 1992, sent a letter to the Kingsport Times-News in 1997 that read: "We the inmates here at Sullivan County Jail are concerned that here we are all treated as criminals."

  Jakarta, Indonesia – In an attempt to keep demonstrations under control, the local chief of police put seven cobras in a glass tank in front of the police station. He explained that police officers would wave them at the crowd to intimidate protesters.

  Kentucky – The inmate Leonard Singleton announced on the Internet that he is "desperately tired of robbing, stealing and victimizing people" and asked people online to send him money, otherwise he'd be forced back into a life of crime after his release from prison.

  Tegucigalpa, Honduras – To combat the spread of HIV, prison officials at the Central Penitentiary decided to encourage male inmates to marry each other, thus vowing to be faithful to just one sexual partner. The same-sex marriages are valid only in the prison. Eight couples have already tied the knot.

  Bogota, Colombia – To improve traffic safety, the mayor proposed to hire mimes who should patrol the downtown streets and stop, mimic, and ridicule jaywalkers.

  Vanuato, South Pacific – The entire 300-men-strong police force of the island nation was arrested after kidnapping a visiting politician from Australia and attempting to use the hostage as leverage in a dispute with the government concerning overtime pay.

  Afghanistan – Religious police publicly beat nine men because they had shaved their beards, this violating Islamic law, which requires men to grow a beard resembling the one worn by Muslim prophet Mohammed.

  Oulu, Finland – The Police Shield reported that police in Finland have developed a police car equipped with a harpoon. This harpoon is not a projectile but is mounted on the front bumper. Officers in pursuit of a speeder can ram his car and the harpoon will lodge itself into the trunk of the speeding car, where it locks into place with hydraulic barbs. Should the driver refuse to get out of the car, tear gas can be released through the harpoon's hollow shaft.

  TOP TEN THINGS CORRECTIONS OFFICERS HATE

  1. Inmates who look like the sperm used during their conception was tainted with steroids.

  2. Inmates wo don't flush after eating chili for lunch.

  3. Coming up with one too many at head count.

  4. When you recognize the newest inmate as your proctologist.

  5. Being on a first-name basis with a serial killer on death row.

  6. Finding a hole in your glove after completing a body cavity search.

  7. Having to break up a shower fight.

  8. Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

  9. The fact that prisoners get more cable channels than you get at home.

  10. Having a new neighbor move in next door who looks waaay too familiar.

  Washington, DC – According to an article in the New York Daily News, Muslim activists were offended by Nike's latest line of sneakers, because the "Air" logo on the shoes resembled the four Arabic letters for Allah. At a press conference, Nihad Awad of the Council on Islamic-American Relations demanded that Nike apologize, recall the shoes, and investigate whether someone at the company was intentionally trying to insult Muslims.

  St. Peters, Missouri – A gunman robbed a 711 store, but returned the money minutes later, because his car wouldn't start. Amazingly, the store clerks came out to the parking lot and gave the robber's car a jump start. Police officer David Kuppler commented: "We have a very friendly town."

  Pikeville, Kentucky – After a fight with his girlfriend's 16-year-old son over rent money, Jesse James Taylor drove himself to the emergency room of the Methodist Hospital, with part of a butcher knife in his back and a meat cleaver stuck in his head. After successful surgery, he was released the next day.

  St. Paul, Minnesota – A rich dentist and his family have been charged with hiring a shoplifter and giving him a detailed list of luxury items they allegedly wanted him to steal. It is believed that the thief supplied the family with goods worth about $250,000 before the scheme was uncovered. The dentist's wife reportedly said to the police: "You caught us red-handed. Now what?"

  Newcastle-under-Lyme, England – The Staffordshire Sentinel reported that a man couldn't get out of his bed, because a mattress spring had embedded itself in his buttocks. An emergency response team of police officers, paramedics, and firefighters had to cut his bed to pieces to free him.

  Little Rock, Arkansas – A GMC Suburban, used by FBI agents attending a conference on domestic terrorism, was stolen. The truck contained seven M-16s, three MP-5s, two grenade launchers, a shotgun and enough ammunition to supply a small army. The burnt-out remains of the stolen vehicle were recovered in Memphis, Tennessee.

  Edmonton, Alberta – The driver of an armored truck appeared to be signaling for help as he repeatedly swung his door open. Six police cruisers chased and stopped the truck, which had been swerving left and right. As it turned out, the driver had simply tried to fan fresh air into the cabin after the other guard had passed gas.

  Long Island, New York – Solomon Garcia broke into a real estate office in Huntington and attempted to steal their safe by dragging it down a flight of stairs. Standing in front of the safe, he tried to slowly inch it over the edge of the top step. Underestimating its weight, he lost control and fell backwards. The 600-pound safe landed on top of him and crushed his chest. Ironically, there was no money in the safe.

  TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR PARTNER NEEDS A VACATION

  1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident.

  2. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.

  3. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit, because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.

  4. He talks to himself. Half of him is the good cop, and the other half is the bad cop.

  5. He wants you to call him Judge Dredd, and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.

  6. He keeps asking you if his bulletproof vest makes him look fat.

  7. He's exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.

  8. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.

  9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.

  10. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.

  Clinton, Utah – Cindy McGregor felt the speeding ticket she had received was unjustified, so she decided to pay the $80 fin
e in pennies. When the clerk refused to accept the pillow case containing 8,000 pennies, the pillow case ruptured and the pennies scattered all over the clerk's counter. McGregor was charged with disorderly conduct.

  Porthsmouth, Rhode Island – Gregory Rusa, charged with a string of vending machine robberies, tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

  Providence, Rhode Island – Police arrested David Posman for robbing an armored truck. He ran off with four bags of money. They contained $800 in pennies, weighed about 30 pounds each, and slowed him down so much that officers had no problem catching him.

  Miami, Florida – An armored truck flipped over after an accident and $500,000, mostly coins, spilled onto the street. People came running from every direction to grab the money. By the time police reached the scene, only a few elderly people were still there, trying to get away with as many rolls of quarters and dimes as possible. Miami police announced a 48-hour amnesty period. Only two people came forward.