Pet Humor! Read online

  God smiled, and a beautiful velvet pillow appeared out of nowhere.

  A few days later, eight farm mice were killed in an accident and went to Heaven. They, too, were greeted by God Himself with the same question. The mice answered: "All of our lives we've been chased by cats, dogs, and even by women with brooms. We never want to have to run again. Do you think we could have inline skates? They look like a lot of fun."

  Suddenly all of them wore tiny inline skates with colorful little wheels. About a week or so later, God visited the cat to see how she was doing. Rolled up in a ball, she was lying on her pillow, sleeping. God gently woke her up and asked: "So, how do you like it up here?"

  The cat stretched and yawned: "It's wonderful here! I love what you've done with the place. And great service! Those Meals on Wheels you've been sending me were a nice touch!"

  A snail was walking along the beach when he happened to look back behind him and saw three turtles wearing leather jackets. After going on for about four weeks, the snail looked back again and saw that the three turtles were still there and closing in on him. So the snail picked up the pace. After about six more weeks, the snail looked back again, and saw that the turtles were still chasing him. And they were getting closer and closer! So he kept on going as fast as he could. After another few weeks, the turtles finally caught up with the snail and mugged him, stole his wallet, took all of his clothes and the keys to his car. After another couple of weeks, the snail got to a pay phone and called the police.

  "I've been mugged by three turtles wearing leather jackets! You need to get down here and take a report or do something," he said.

  "Can you give us a description of the turtles?" asked the police officer.

  "No, I can't. It all happened so fast!" cried the snail.

  A man tried to sell a dog to his neighbor.

  "This dog can talk," he said. "And he could be yours for only five dollars!"

  The neighbor said: "What do I look like? An idiot? There ain't no such thing as a talking dog."

  Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes and pleaded: "Please buy me, Sir! This man is cruel. He never gives me enough to eat, he never takes me for a walk, and he never bathes me! Before he kidnapped me, I used to be a famous trick dog in Europe. I performed on TV and before the Royal Family of England."

  "Wow!" said the neighbor. "He really can talk! Why would you want to sell him for five lousy bucks?"

  "Because I'm getting tired of all his lies."

  Asian camels have two humps. Arabian camels only have one.

  Camels have played such an important role in Arabian culture that there are over 160 words for ‘camel’ in Arabic.

  Camel milk is closer to human milk than any other milk in nature, and it has 10 times more iron and three times more vitamin C than cow’s milk. And if you’re lactose intolerant, you can drink it without any problems.

  Bob was in love with Nancy, the beautiful young woman across the street. Unfortunately Bob had a speech impediment and she wouldn't marry him because he talked funny. One day he read about a school on the other side of the country, that might be able to help him overcome his handicap. So he enrolled for four months.

  When Bob returned, his buddy Jimmy picked him up at the airport and asked: "So? Was it worth it? Were they able to help you?"

  Bob replied: "Well – sort – of. – But – now – I – must – talk – very – slow – and – be – very – careful – to – articulate – words – properly."

  Jimmy smiled and said: "Don't worry! Nancy loves you. I'm sure she'll marry you."

  Later that night Jimmy dropped Bob off at Nancy's house. But about two hours later Bob rang Jimmy's doorbell.

  Jimmy asked: "What are you doing here? Does that mean she's not going to marry you after all?"

  Bob answered: "No, – I – don't – think – so."

  "Why? What happened?" Jimmy asked.

  Bob explained: "Well, – everything – went – well – at – first. – We – were – sitting – on – the – couch – talking – and – I – saw – the – cat – playing – with – the – balls – on – the – Christmas – tree, – so – I – tried – to – be – witty – and – said: – Look, - honey, – after – we're – married, – you – can – do – that – to – me! – But – by – the – time – I – said – it – and – she – looked, - the – cat – was – licking – his – butt!"

  A lady took her poodle to the groomer for a haircut. When she asked what it would cost, the girl behind the counter said: "$60." The lady replied: "That's outragous! I only paid $50 for my own haircut!"

  "Yeah, but you don't bite, do you?" the girl replied.

  Mrs. Lonefold's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But whatever you do, do NOT talk to my parrot!"

  When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. But the whole time, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't take it anymore: "Shut up already, you stupid bird!"

  To which the parrot replied: "Go get him, Brutus!"

  During the height of the Cold War, the Americans and the Russians realized that if they continued their arms race, they were going to blow up the whole planet.

  So they arranged a top secret summit, where it was decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They agreed to give each other 5 years to breed the two most powerful fighting dogs ever. The winning dog's country would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to submit and lay down its arms.

  The Russians searched their vast country to find the meanest, most vicious Doberman and Rottweiler bitches and bred them with the biggest, most dangerous Siberian wolves.

  They selected only the biggest and strongest puppies and fed them a diet of steroids and trained them to be lethal attack dogs. After 5 years of fierce breeding, Russia created the most vicious dog the world had ever seen.

  Finally Russia and the US met in Switzerland to let their dogs fight for world domination. Everyone was afraid to go near the Russian monster, but when the Russians saw the American dog, they laughed. It was a 9 foot long Wiener dog. When the bell rang, the Russian dog leaped into the ring and snarled and charged at the American Wiener.

  The Wiener slowly waddled into the ring, and just when it looked like the Russian monster was going to tear him to pieces, the Wiener opened his mouth and swallowed the Russian dog with one bite. The monster was gone! The Russian diplomats were shocked: "How could this happen? We had our best breeders working for 5 years to create the most vicious dog!"

  "That's nothing," the American diplomats replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons work for 5 years to make an alligator look like a Wiener dog."

  Ever wonder where the Easter Bunny and Easter eggs come from? Originally, Easter was not really a Christian holiday, but a pagan celebration of the spring solstice. Pagans used to celebrate the festival of the fertility goddess Eostre. Her symbol was a bunny. Eggs symbolized new life. Early Christians later adopted those ancient pagan symbols. The modern tradition of the Easter Bunny bringing eggs shows up for the first time in German literature of the 16th Century.

  Jim woke up one morning to find a gorilla sitting on a branch on the tree in his backyard. He looked through the Yellow Pages and called a gorilla removal service.

  "Is it a male or a female gorilla?" the removal service guy asked.

  "I think think it's male," Jim replied.

  "No problem! I'll be right there."

  Half an hour later the service guy showed up with a stick, a pair of handcuffs, a shotgun, and a dog. He handed Jim the ha
ndcuffs and the shotgun and said: "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained dog will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on."

  "OK," Jim said. "But what do I do with the shotgun?"

  "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."

  It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle, so the elephants decided to challenge the ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well, with the elephants beating the ants ten to nothing, when the ants gained possession of the ball. The ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the elephants' goal when the elephants' left back came stampeding towards him.

  The elephant stepped on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee blew his whistle, stopped the game, and gave the elephant the red card and said: "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"

  The distraught elephant cried: "I didn't mean to kill him! I was just trying to trip him!"

  A New York businessman drove his car into a ditch in the middle of nowhere, somewhere in Pennsylvania.

  Luckily an Amish farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Abe.

  He hitched Abe up to the car and said: "Pull, Esra, pull!"

  Abe didn't move.

  Then the the farmer yelled: "Pull, Jacob, pull!"

  Abe didn't respond.

  Once more the farmer hollered: "Pull, Shilo, pull!"

  Nothing.

  Then the farmer said: "Pull, Abe, pull!"

  And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

  The New Yorker was very grateful but couldn't help but wonder about the names: "Why did you call your horse by the wrong name three times?"

  The farmer replied: "Abe is blind. And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

  Mongolian tribes were the first to domesticate the horse, about 5000 years ago.

  Police horses have been used in law enforcement since the 17th century. The first mounted police unit was established in 1805 in London. Soon Australia and America adopted the idea.

  The oldest horse on record lived to the age of 62 and died in 1822.

  If a horse has a red ribbon on its tail, it kicks.

  Like a fingerprint, every zebra has a unique stripe pattern.

  Sharks seem to be the only animals that never get sick. They are immune to every known disease, including cancer.

  Three race horses were talking to each other before a race. One of them started to boast about his track record: "Out of my last 13 races, I've won 7."

  Another horse said: "Well, in my last 29 races, I've won 21."

  "Not bad, but in the last 35 races, I've won 27," said another.

  Suddenly a greyhound dog, who had been quietly sitting in a corner of the barn, walked over to the horses and said: "I don't mean to brag, but I've won 78 out of my last 80 races."

  The horses were totally shocked! "Wow!" exclaimed one of them after a hushed silence. "A talking dog!"

  TOP TEN THINGS TELEVISION TEACHES US ABOUT PETS

  1. Doggie schools have a 100% failure rate.

  2. If someone finds a dog or a cat, they don't want it at first, then fall in love with it, keep it for 15 minutes, and then find it a loving home with a big backyard.

  3. Dogs know how to turn on the TV and understand everything that's being said. In fact all pets are smarter than the people who own them.

  4. Pets never shed or have accidents on the carpet.

  5. All pet mice or snakes will escape at least once and be found by a woman standing on a chair, screaming.

  6. Every pet will eventually run away from home because of hurt feelings.

  7. Pets don't need any attention. And you don't have to feed them for months. They are happy just lying on the floor next to you, being part of the scenery.

  8. Your cat will have a litter of 10, and within 30 minutes every last one of the kittens will have found a good home somewhere.

  9. Lost something? Whatever it is, it's probably in the dog house or the cat basket.

  10. Your dog is a much better kisser than your wife. And at night your dog's back feels exactly like your wife's legs.

  Q: What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

  A: Hailing taxi cabs.

  Q: What do cats like to eat on hot summer days?

  A: Mice cream cones.

  Q: What's striped and bouncy?

  A: A tiger on a pogo stick.

  A man and his dog walk into a bar. As they sat down at the counter, the bartender told them, that no dogs were allowed. The dog looked up at the bartender and said: "I don't see any sign posted about dogs."

  The bartender was shocked and yelled: "Hey! Your dog can talk! This is incredible! Your next beer is on me."

  Both, the man and the dog, thanked him and drank their free beers. When the man had to go to the bathroom, the bartender leaned over and asked the dog: "Could you do me a favor? My friend across the street is never gonna believe I met a talking dog. He'll think I'm nuts! He works at the 711. Here are 20 bucks. Could you go over there and buy a newspaper? That's gonna blow his mind! In return all drinks for you two are on me for the rest of the night. And you can keep the change from the $20."

  The dog agreed, picked up the $20 bill with his mouth, and walked out of the bar. When the man came back from the bathroom, he wondered where his dog was, so the bartender told him.

  "What? My dog is out there, crossing the street by himself? He's gonna get hit by a car!" the man screamed.

  He stormed out the door to look for his dog. He ran across the street, into the 711, but his dog was nowhere to be found. He ran up and down the busy sidewalk, but there was no sight of his dog.

  Finally he got to a dark alley, and heard his dog moaning and panting behind a dumpster. Fearing the worst, he looked behind the dumpster. There was his dog, humping a French poodle. Shocked, the man stared at his dog and yelled: "Rex, how could you? You've NEVER done anything like this before!"

  Rex looked up at him and replied: "Frankly, I've never had a $20 bill before."

  A guy walked into a bar and asked: "Does anyone here own that big pitbull outside?"

  "Yeah, I do!" a mean looking biker replied, standing up. "You wanna make something of it?"

  "I think my Chihuahua just killed him."

  "What the hell are you talking about?" the biker yelled. "How could your little runt kill my pitbull? My dog could swallow your dog with one bite!"

  "Well, he tried. And my dog got stuck in your dog's throat."

  MORE AMAZING ANIMAL FACTS

  In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

  The mouse is the most common mammal in the U.S.

  Dogs and bees really can smell fear.

  The horn of a rhinoceros is made of compacted hair.

  All the swans in England are property of the Queen. Messing with them is considered a serious offense.

  More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in plane crashes.

  Some people say the fingerprints of koala bears are so similar to human finger prints, that they could be confused at a crime scene.

  It is physically impossible for a pig to look up into the sky.

  An ostrich's eye is twice as big as its brain.

  Shrimp's hearts are in their heads.

  At 188 decibels, the whistle of the blue whale is the loudest sound produced by any animal.

  Hummingbirds lay only two eggs during their entire lifetime.

  Starfish don't have brains.

  If you place a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

  Dragonflies can fly at speeds of up to 30 mph.

  Ants don't sleep. Ever.

  TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T DO WITH YOUR PET IN PUBLIC

  1. Let your dog lick your feet.

  2. Sing Barney songs to your
cat.

  3. Ask your pet what it would like for lunch in a squeaky high-pitched voice.

  4. Talk to your cat about your relationship.

  5. Bark at your dog and then look at his face to see if you actually said anything in dog language.

  6. Make loud bodily noises and laugh at the funny look on your dog's face.

  7. Put off reading the paper because your pet is sleeping on it.

  8. Give your little dog a bath and then hold it up in front of a mirror to show it how pretty it is.

  9. Instead of cleaning up the mess, let your dog lick it up.

  10. Give aunt Wilma's casserole to your dog.

  At a MENSA meeting, three men were arguing over who had the smartest dog. The first one, a math teacher, said his dog understood geometry.

  The dog was named Pie. He told Pie to go to the blackboard and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle. Pie walked up to the blackboard, picked up a piece of chalk, stood on his hind legs, and drew all three shapes perfectly.